While the days of “having a coke and a smile” may be long gone as universal communication, the desire for speaking out to the world has become an onslaught. Some of you may have noticed lately that blogs, email, and instant messaging are rather popular. Sometimes these formats are abbreviated such that it leaves little room for the imagination to latch on to the meaning that was meant to be conveyed. So with that, it makes me happy as a newborn tick on a fat hound to present a primer on the forgotten art of colorful expression!
Format: What we say today -- What your grandpa said.
I’m feeling good! -- I’m finer than frog hair!
Not feeling good. -- I feel lower than a snake’s belly.
He’s not that attractive. -- He’s ugly as homemade soup
or so ugly she would make a freight train take a dirt road.
She’s pretty! -- She’s built like a brick outhouse!
Skinny-- He had to turn around twice to throw a shadow
Not very smart. -- His slinky’s kinked or, not the sharpest tool in the shed
or, he paddles his own canoe.
It’s dry lately. -- It’s drier than a popcorn poop or, so dry that trees are bribing the dogs
It sure is raining hard. -- It’s a real toad strangler out there!
Fast -- Fast as a man with a paper butt in a forest fire,
or fast as a deacon in a … (oops, that might be too mature for this blog)
Slow -- Slower than molasses in January.
Useless -- He’s as handy as screen doors on a submarine.
Rich -- He has enough money to burn a wet mule.
Poor-- To poor to pay attention.
Young -- His belly button isn’t even dry yet.
Old -- He is as old as dirt.
Busy-- Busy as a mosquito in a nudist colony
Talkative-- He could talk the ear off a statue
Not athletic -- You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if you were standing in it.
Under dressed-- She wasn’t wearing enough clothes to wad a shotgun.
Good bye… it’s time for me to make like a tree and leaf!
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